erasing

i didn't think of you today until now. i had been busy & in the mix of passing cars & ringing phones you were never on my mind. it's amazing how many wonderful things you can think of when you aren't there to consume me. even though my heart aches for you my mind is filling me with thoughts that are erasing you. today i didn't remember you for hours maybe tomorrow you will be gone completely. 

Scary thing.

“It’s funny. Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That’s why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorise each other, you know? The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes, and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language, it’s a scary thing.”


The Dead-tossed Waves, Carrie Ryan

constantly searching.

“I find myself constantly searching for you in my things, and in other people (and their things) and in everything in general. I only read books with characters that remind me of you, and I throw my television out the window every night. The little pieces of you I get to see, that you ration to me work better than these drugs I smoke & swallow. Not fair. I circle where I think you could be on every map I see, I don’t think about who you’re with, or what you’re doing, but if there’s a circle there’s a number of miles, there’s a distance, there is not nothing forever.”

hate.

part of me hates you...but no matter how hard i try all of me may never hate you completely. i hate things that remind me of you...like rocks because you always seemed to collect them or green beans because the last time i was with you, you went on & on about how amazing these green beans tasted. i hate my families favorite vacation spot because i took you there, which was a mistake. i loved it there until we went together & now it just reminds me of you. i hate that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night & roll over & its not you. its someone else i've found to fill your void. i hate those things, those moments when i'm looking for you or waiting for you & i have to realize that there is no more you anymore...

Colorful furniture that is to Die for!

sometimes i wanted to pretend like you weren't here. like none of this was really happening. not now. not in this place. after all this time. i didn't want any of it. i wanted to pretend like you were still away & i was still waiting on you to come home. waiting on things to be like they use to be. i wanted to pretend you still loved me. pretend you were going to walk through the door even though i knew you never would.