flashbacks...

i wish i could say that my days without you have been easy. that its been easy for me to walk away from you, to let you let me go for the last time, but these past few weeks haven't passed with ease. i hurt in those moments when i want to feel you. when i want to know you are actually here, instead of pretending your still away and aren't coming back for a while. no matter how much i loved us, we were toxic together. a vicious cycle of amazing adventures, late night make ups, rip your heart out fights, meaningless words, & wasted days. i made myself believe that the cliche, "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else" was real. i wanted to believe it, but the reality is, even though the idea is beautiful, after all the fights we both walk away wounded & scared, there were no feelings of  love in those moments & from those scares & wounds we will never truly recover. i wish it was easy to forget, to just say goodbye knowing that we may never be "we" again. maybe it's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow...