Scarfs, note, picture, lost

Being back at moms brings back so many memories...memories that for whatever reason I had forgotten until now. I've been unpacking for a while & mom had brought some boxes down from the attic. I hadn't really brought myself to go through them but I couldn't sleep last night so I sat down in the floor & went through everything. I found a scarf & as I went to put it on it unraveled & a picture of us & a note fell out unto the floor & it said..."you're probably putting this on, it was your favorite scarf, I don't remember it's your favorite but I watched a VHS that I recorded of you getting dressed one night before we went out it was like a dream. You were beautiful & laughing & in some made up accent you threw the scarf around you & said darling this my favorite scarf. There is so much I wish I could remember. I'm sorry I can't remember." You wrote that note 5 years ago & I'm just reading it tonight. My heart literally stopped. It was like a flashback of everything that happened. I will never know the big picture. Why I just found the note or why things happened the way they did. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I'm where I am & you are where you are for a reason. Even though we weren't expecting our plans to change they did. We weren't "we" anymore. It's amazing how 2 hours can change everything. I said I wish you would forget everything & my wish came true. You turned left instead of right & in a instance I lost you...

Tired

At some point I'm going to get tired. Tried of waiting, running, trying, sacrificing. Tired of all of it...

Keep inhaling.

You're like the smell of my favorite place. You get trapped in my clothes & my hair & I keep inhaling you because I'm absolutely terrified of forgetting what it feels like to breathe you in...

leaving soon.

i sat there crying. watching the tears stream down my face & make little pools on my desk. i wish i was dreaming. i wish this wasn't happening. not now. not to you. i wish i was some type of hero or magician & could make it stop or disappear. it's 10:30. a.m. on a Thursday & for just a few minuets everything stops. i reevaluate the situation. its like I'm watching different memories in my head. you are still here & a part of me is so broken because i know you will be leaving soon.... 

Today's Favorite Picture.

i love love love this picture. i wish someone would do something like this downtown or in midtown. 

What do you miss?

yesterday i asked her what she missed most about me & this is what she said....

"I miss everything, but mostly waking up next to you everyday and not having to worry about leaving." 

& that's when i feel in love with her all over again. xoxo 

Coffee & Smokes

I haven't slept with the faint sounds of you going in & out for your morning coffee & smokes & even though you are a good distance away I can hear the story you're telling before it leaves your lips.

Forever Numb.

also in my moving i found this... & usually i wouldn't post this, but i think it's worth reading and re-writing because i remember feeling it & it shouldn't be lost. i guess i think someone will connect with it & maybe it will hit them in their heart like it hit me. those are the short lines i like to read. the ones where they hit you & you hold onto them forever...

There are so many things i wish i understood. I know people say you should live with no regrets, but i find that hard. It's been 3 years and sometimes when i close my eyes i still hear your voice begging me not to go, asking me to stay, and i turned around and walked out. I let you go, i gave up not only on you, but on us. I've never been the same since that night. It's like it haunts me. It's like i close my eyes and i see your face and for a few quick moments everything stops....and that's when it hits me. That's the moment i regret. I let you slip away. I gave up. That's the moment i stopped feeling, i became forever numb. 

memories.

so i moved out of my house last week. it was hard. i cried a while & packed a while & in the process i found this...

sometimes no matter what you do there are these memories that you just can't forget. You would do anything to make yourself forget or let it go but nothing works. It haunts you when you least expect it. It hurts you to the core. It puts your stomach in knots and awakes you from your sleep. Those are the memories of you that i wish would vanish, that i wish i could erase. How can i recover from that hurt in those moments? How can i make myself run fast enough so that they are no longer here? I wish i could rewind to the moments before they happened, but that's not how life works. Life doesn't work without hurt. 

love.

I want to be...

the book that sleeps beside your bed,
the one you reach for when you cannot find the
backs of your eyes and paint with your own ink
to highlight the sentences that highlighted
something inside you.

I had a dream I was rainfall, but the kind that followed
you around and only fell in your hair.

- Tyler Knott Gregson

life.

i think it's funny how everyone finds the life i lead as strange or how they make certain assumptions of what is right or what should be acceptable. the fact that i am a lesbian that works for a missions along side 20 nuns is my adventure not yours. it's more than my job it's my life and at the end of it i will have to answer for myself not you. my life is not based on what everyone else thinks. i do think its quite humorous that i work with nuns, but i count myself as blessed to have such strong independent women in my life in a time when those types of women are few and far between. i would be lucky to be like them. no i won't take vows of silence or celibacy, but i will vow to stand my ground and walk forward when everyone else has stopped to open their mouths and judge. i've found my passion. what have you found? 

I'm Totally Loving the Ombre Look

Christmas in the City

So today for some damn reason i have been in total Christmas mood. Usually im all fall but i guess i just skipped right over that today because its seriously been all i've thought about! So in honor of my very early Christmas spirit i'm posting city streets at Christmas time. I love the city when it's snowy and getting late in the evening. its enchanting. 
 Merry very early Christmas <3

Love

muse

you should find this comforting since you are my muse...

If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you — whether it’s good or bad — then they don’t love you. They just don’t. Writers fall in love with the people we find inspiring.

- Jamie Anne Royce 

we are the rebels

we are the lovesick. the fearless ones. the never giving up.
the hearts undone. sick with the desire to love. to live so far
beyond the boundaries given to us. we are the fence-hopping
fools who never stopped to read the signs. the ones that left
the world behind. like dreams we've drawn in neon light. just
moments in the sea of time. we are the lost ones wandering.
the soon to be smoldering. last to be found. the first to fall and
fail to fly then shatter on the ground. we are the rebels running
wild through a darkness that can swallow us. but we've set fire
to our souls. burning brilliant blinding gold. the flames that illuminate
our lonely road. our futures holding fates untold. we are the
ever-refusing to fold. to fade away or worse to lose. the few that
bend and break apart the cages of our rules. born desperate for the
promise of the mystery unknown. we are the lovesick. and just like
the sun we will always rise. hope still shining in our eyes.. - Jason Reeves.

Autumn Loves

Seriously Cannot Wait for these kinds of nights. 

Fall is my favorite. 

forever lost.

i wrote this when we weren't talking & today i found it in papers on my desk....it's like when i read it i went right back to that day. i remembered it. where i was who was there how bad it hurt. i don't want to spend forever wondering if you're going to leave again. i would be quite happy if you stayed forever...i need you to. 

you remind me of the way old books smell & when i'm in this place all i do is wonder where you are because you aren't beside me anymore. it's like waiting for a fog to lift, like i'm in a hazy dream & i can't wake myself up. everything becomes unfamiliar & i'm forever lost without you....

ugh.

this is exactly how i feel about you today. 

Running

i feel in love with her because she made me nervous, a little out of place, uneasy even. she was my adventure in a world that i had made so monotonous. i craved her in a selfish unloving way. & as distant as she is now a part of me still feels her. she engulfs your soul and throws you up like stars in the sky. she pushes & you push back until there is this magnificent explosion shaking your very being. i'm a runner and that's all I'll ever be. 

my idea of beautiful

my heart has 4 empty rooms. 3 wait for lightening & one waits for you. i miss our late nights when we would just stay awake forever & confess everything all of our little secrets, lies, & loves like the sun was never coming back up. like those few hours were all we had left & we had nothing better to do but confess everything. we weren't saving the world we were saving ourselves & maybe for those few hours that's all that  really mattered. everything else faded away & it was just you & me under our blankets wrapped in our thoughts making new dreams. you will & always have been my idea of beautiful.

lost

i will always being searching for you. even when i don't want to be. i will always be lost without you here & even though i know you cannot be replaced i will always be searching for someone to fill your void. i know i will never find them but for some reason i tell myself that i won't quit searching until i do. i lost you & in losing that i have forever lost myself. 

Bag Lady Loves

i just can't.

I'm almost positive that i hate skinny people because of you. i hate tiny clothes or music that takes me to where you are. i still keep our things even though looking at them hurts & i don't have the strength to reread your letters because right now when i glance into the drawer they are tucked away in i feel weak. i hate that you hold that power over me & I'm almost assured that where ever you are my memory is not there. 

flashbacks...

i wish i could say that my days without you have been easy. that its been easy for me to walk away from you, to let you let me go for the last time, but these past few weeks haven't passed with ease. i hurt in those moments when i want to feel you. when i want to know you are actually here, instead of pretending your still away and aren't coming back for a while. no matter how much i loved us, we were toxic together. a vicious cycle of amazing adventures, late night make ups, rip your heart out fights, meaningless words, & wasted days. i made myself believe that the cliche, "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else" was real. i wanted to believe it, but the reality is, even though the idea is beautiful, after all the fights we both walk away wounded & scared, there were no feelings of  love in those moments & from those scares & wounds we will never truly recover. i wish it was easy to forget, to just say goodbye knowing that we may never be "we" again. maybe it's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow...

White Rooms

dream of seeing you.

i always thought of what i would say if i could talk to you. would i tell you how hurt i was by the way you just walked away or tell you about all of our adventures that we planed that you missed out on. would i tell you i found someone and i was happy. Maybe id tell you that i dream of seeing you and some days i think i do. but maybe i'm just imaging you there when i'm really in a room full of strangers. They'll never know me the way you did. maybe id just let you go, let you leave without saying a word. maybe without saying anything i had already said enough...

erasing

i didn't think of you today until now. i had been busy & in the mix of passing cars & ringing phones you were never on my mind. it's amazing how many wonderful things you can think of when you aren't there to consume me. even though my heart aches for you my mind is filling me with thoughts that are erasing you. today i didn't remember you for hours maybe tomorrow you will be gone completely. 

Scary thing.

“It’s funny. Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That’s why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorise each other, you know? The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes, and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language, it’s a scary thing.”


The Dead-tossed Waves, Carrie Ryan

constantly searching.

“I find myself constantly searching for you in my things, and in other people (and their things) and in everything in general. I only read books with characters that remind me of you, and I throw my television out the window every night. The little pieces of you I get to see, that you ration to me work better than these drugs I smoke & swallow. Not fair. I circle where I think you could be on every map I see, I don’t think about who you’re with, or what you’re doing, but if there’s a circle there’s a number of miles, there’s a distance, there is not nothing forever.”

hate.

part of me hates you...but no matter how hard i try all of me may never hate you completely. i hate things that remind me of you...like rocks because you always seemed to collect them or green beans because the last time i was with you, you went on & on about how amazing these green beans tasted. i hate my families favorite vacation spot because i took you there, which was a mistake. i loved it there until we went together & now it just reminds me of you. i hate that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night & roll over & its not you. its someone else i've found to fill your void. i hate those things, those moments when i'm looking for you or waiting for you & i have to realize that there is no more you anymore...

Colorful furniture that is to Die for!

sometimes i wanted to pretend like you weren't here. like none of this was really happening. not now. not in this place. after all this time. i didn't want any of it. i wanted to pretend like you were still away & i was still waiting on you to come home. waiting on things to be like they use to be. i wanted to pretend you still loved me. pretend you were going to walk through the door even though i knew you never would.

empty room

so today i wished you were home for selfish reasons. i wished you were here so you could tell me i would be fine. i know time heals everything but maybe i just wanted to hear it from your voice. i wanted to know i wasn't crazy. i wanted to erase everything except for me & you standing there before you had to leave. i wanted to feel ok, safe again. i wanted to be myself. & then i realized i'm not even sure who "myself" is anymore. it took two seconds for me to realize that maybe i didn't have a plan anymore. i was completely free. i had no choices tying me down or pulling me back. i realized the getaway i wanted was here, and instead of running all i was doing was standing there trying to figure out why you weren't running with me. wondering why you didn't say anything. why you were ok with letting me leave. i felt like i was in an empty room & you had already vanished.

letting go.

sometimes you just want to sit down & have one of these crys that is horrible. like one of the worse crys ever. the laying on the floor can't hardly breathe cry. the one where you feel so alone where you just wish someone would come & make it alright. i didn't want to do this with out you & maybe its time i faced the reality that i have to. you didn't wait. you didn't come after me. you let me walk away effortlessly. like it was easy. its amazing how 6 months changes everything. changes the people we were into the people we are now. maybe that's what fate wants. did i mention i hate fate. i keep replaying everything & all i want to do is sleep. to just slip away & not dream of you anymore. i want a new dream one without you. one that ends differently. i wanted to wake up with no more memories, not more hurt, i wanted to forget you. i wanted to let go  & i wanted to be ok with it. i needed to be ok with it.

flying away.

maybe i'll be like her. maybe i'll wake up one morning to go on my biggest adventure & i won't return. i'll just vanish into the blue. i'll be a mystery forever. i admire her. & part of me wants to believe that she's still up there. 

In my head right now.

today i wish you were home. i wish you were just here nearby. i know this may sound insane, but you may be the only person that knows what i feel like. i feel like i keep looking for something familiar, something thats like home & i can't find it. i go home & it's empty & everythings changed. I feel like i left when i was 19 & i can't go back & that makes my heart hurt. she graduated this weekend & it's been 6 months since she's been gone. I was thinking everything was going to be perfect when she came back. she was my everything & as i was laying beside her & she was sleeping i felt like i was beside a stranger. some girl i had saw a few times, but never really got to know. i wish i could go back, back to when i knew she was my everything & when i felt like i was hers. people change & all we have are our memories of who they once use to be. Memories of what we loved, what we miss. None of that's there anymore just empty shells being molded into something else. my mind keeps reminding me we are constantly changing, evolving, but my heart keeps hoping that there is a little spark of what use to be still left behind & maybe if i wait around long enough it will find it's way back up. maybe it's in there fighting to get its way out. maybe it's just covered with junk like feelings, pride, hurt, maybe. itsn't it funny how that maybe changes everything. it makes everything stop. maybe she's still there, maybe my heart says.

what if.

i wish things were easier. i wish i could see the big picture & i wish i knew i was making the right choices ahead of time. it's like something is right in front of your face & you know what the best choice is & you know that choosing it will most likely be for the best in the end, but you don't do it. you don't make the rational choice. you make the choice that you know will most likely break your heart. you don't all the way know or obviously you wouldn't make the choice. does that make the choice you made the wrong one? & that leads me to my problem. why do we go for the one thing that hurts us. the one thing that rips you apart. why do we run when your head is telling you you are making a horrible choice. i think you run because your heart hurts. you run because of what if? what if you don't run, what if you stay? it's like you loose either way. you're hurting all the way around. in the end it's the ultimate battle. the battle between your head & your heart.


what if you never choose a side. What if you run straight ahead & you leave everything behind. What if...

Today's Love: The Maxi Dress

Dear Blog..

so before i even start i would like to say Dear Blog, i miss you. Lots. & im sorry for leaving you for other things & maybe its time i start blogging & writing instead of missing you. i promise to write with my soul. write about anything. to not always write amazing stuff, but it will be true & from the heart. always.