Saturday, December 29, 2012

Scarfs, note, picture, lost

Being back at moms brings back so many memories...memories that for whatever reason I had forgotten until now. I've been unpacking for a while & mom had brought some boxes down from the attic. I hadn't really brought myself to go through them but I couldn't sleep last night so I sat down in the floor & went through everything. I found a scarf & as I went to put it on it unraveled & a picture of us & a note fell out unto the floor & it said..."you're probably putting this on, it was your favorite scarf, I don't remember it's your favorite but I watched a VHS that I recorded of you getting dressed one night before we went out it was like a dream. You were beautiful & laughing & in some made up accent you threw the scarf around you & said darling this my favorite scarf. There is so much I wish I could remember. I'm sorry I can't remember." You wrote that note 5 years ago & I'm just reading it tonight. My heart literally stopped. It was like a flashback of everything that happened. I will never know the big picture. Why I just found the note or why things happened the way they did. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I'm where I am & you are where you are for a reason. Even though we weren't expecting our plans to change they did. We weren't "we" anymore. It's amazing how 2 hours can change everything. I said I wish you would forget everything & my wish came true. You turned left instead of right & in a instance I lost you...

Sunday, December 9, 2012


At some point I'm going to get tired. Tried of waiting, running, trying, sacrificing. Tired of all of it...

Friday, December 7, 2012

Keep inhaling.

You're like the smell of my favorite place. You get trapped in my clothes & my hair & I keep inhaling you because I'm absolutely terrified of forgetting what it feels like to breathe you in...

Thursday, December 6, 2012

leaving soon.

i sat there crying. watching the tears stream down my face & make little pools on my desk. i wish i was dreaming. i wish this wasn't happening. not now. not to you. i wish i was some type of hero or magician & could make it stop or disappear. it's 10:30. a.m. on a Thursday & for just a few minuets everything stops. i reevaluate the situation. its like I'm watching different memories in my head. you are still here & a part of me is so broken because i know you will be leaving soon.... 

Today's Favorite Picture.

i love love love this picture. i wish someone would do something like this downtown or in midtown. 

What do you miss?

yesterday i asked her what she missed most about me & this is what she said....

"I miss everything, but mostly waking up next to you everyday and not having to worry about leaving." 

& that's when i feel in love with her all over again. xoxo 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Coffee & Smokes

I haven't slept with the faint sounds of you going in & out for your morning coffee & smokes & even though you are a good distance away I can hear the story you're telling before it leaves your lips.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Forever Numb.

also in my moving i found this... & usually i wouldn't post this, but i think it's worth reading and re-writing because i remember feeling it & it shouldn't be lost. i guess i think someone will connect with it & maybe it will hit them in their heart like it hit me. those are the short lines i like to read. the ones where they hit you & you hold onto them forever...

There are so many things i wish i understood. I know people say you should live with no regrets, but i find that hard. It's been 3 years and sometimes when i close my eyes i still hear your voice begging me not to go, asking me to stay, and i turned around and walked out. I let you go, i gave up not only on you, but on us. I've never been the same since that night. It's like it haunts me. It's like i close my eyes and i see your face and for a few quick moments everything stops....and that's when it hits me. That's the moment i regret. I let you slip away. I gave up. That's the moment i stopped feeling, i became forever numb. 


so i moved out of my house last week. it was hard. i cried a while & packed a while & in the process i found this...

sometimes no matter what you do there are these memories that you just can't forget. You would do anything to make yourself forget or let it go but nothing works. It haunts you when you least expect it. It hurts you to the core. It puts your stomach in knots and awakes you from your sleep. Those are the memories of you that i wish would vanish, that i wish i could erase. How can i recover from that hurt in those moments? How can i make myself run fast enough so that they are no longer here? I wish i could rewind to the moments before they happened, but that's not how life works. Life doesn't work without hurt. 
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