Thursday, June 28, 2012

erasing

0 comments
i didn't think of you today until now. i had been busy & in the mix of passing cars & ringing phones you were never on my mind. it's amazing how many wonderful things you can think of when you aren't there to consume me. even though my heart aches for you my mind is filling me with thoughts that are erasing you. today i didn't remember you for hours maybe tomorrow you will be gone completely. 



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Scary thing.

0 comments
“It’s funny. Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That’s why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorise each other, you know? The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes, and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language, it’s a scary thing.”


The Dead-tossed Waves, Carrie Ryan

constantly searching.

0 comments
“I find myself constantly searching for you in my things, and in other people (and their things) and in everything in general. I only read books with characters that remind me of you, and I throw my television out the window every night. The little pieces of you I get to see, that you ration to me work better than these drugs I smoke & swallow. Not fair. I circle where I think you could be on every map I see, I don’t think about who you’re with, or what you’re doing, but if there’s a circle there’s a number of miles, there’s a distance, there is not nothing forever.”

hate.

0 comments
part of me hates you...but no matter how hard i try all of me may never hate you completely. i hate things that remind me of you...like rocks because you always seemed to collect them or green beans because the last time i was with you, you went on & on about how amazing these green beans tasted. i hate my families favorite vacation spot because i took you there, which was a mistake. i loved it there until we went together & now it just reminds me of you. i hate that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night & roll over & its not you. its someone else i've found to fill your void. i hate those things, those moments when i'm looking for you or waiting for you & i have to realize that there is no more you anymore...



Colorful furniture that is to Die for!

0 comments





Friday, June 22, 2012

0 comments
sometimes i wanted to pretend like you weren't here. like none of this was really happening. not now. not in this place. after all this time. i didn't want any of it. i wanted to pretend like you were still away & i was still waiting on you to come home. waiting on things to be like they use to be. i wanted to pretend you still loved me. pretend you were going to walk through the door even though i knew you never would.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

0 comments

empty room

0 comments
so today i wished you were home for selfish reasons. i wished you were here so you could tell me i would be fine. i know time heals everything but maybe i just wanted to hear it from your voice. i wanted to know i wasn't crazy. i wanted to erase everything except for me & you standing there before you had to leave. i wanted to feel ok, safe again. i wanted to be myself. & then i realized i'm not even sure who "myself" is anymore. it took two seconds for me to realize that maybe i didn't have a plan anymore. i was completely free. i had no choices tying me down or pulling me back. i realized the getaway i wanted was here, and instead of running all i was doing was standing there trying to figure out why you weren't running with me. wondering why you didn't say anything. why you were ok with letting me leave. i felt like i was in an empty room & you had already vanished.

letting go.

0 comments
sometimes you just want to sit down & have one of these crys that is horrible. like one of the worse crys ever. the laying on the floor can't hardly breathe cry. the one where you feel so alone where you just wish someone would come & make it alright. i didn't want to do this with out you & maybe its time i faced the reality that i have to. you didn't wait. you didn't come after me. you let me walk away effortlessly. like it was easy. its amazing how 6 months changes everything. changes the people we were into the people we are now. maybe that's what fate wants. did i mention i hate fate. i keep replaying everything & all i want to do is sleep. to just slip away & not dream of you anymore. i want a new dream one without you. one that ends differently. i wanted to wake up with no more memories, not more hurt, i wanted to forget you. i wanted to let go  & i wanted to be ok with it. i needed to be ok with it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

flying away.

0 comments

maybe i'll be like her. maybe i'll wake up one morning to go on my biggest adventure & i won't return. i'll just vanish into the blue. i'll be a mystery forever. i admire her. & part of me wants to believe that she's still up there. 

In my head right now.

0 comments
today i wish you were home. i wish you were just here nearby. i know this may sound insane, but you may be the only person that knows what i feel like. i feel like i keep looking for something familiar, something thats like home & i can't find it. i go home & it's empty & everythings changed. I feel like i left when i was 19 & i can't go back & that makes my heart hurt. she graduated this weekend & it's been 6 months since she's been gone. I was thinking everything was going to be perfect when she came back. she was my everything & as i was laying beside her & she was sleeping i felt like i was beside a stranger. some girl i had saw a few times, but never really got to know. i wish i could go back, back to when i knew she was my everything & when i felt like i was hers. people change & all we have are our memories of who they once use to be. Memories of what we loved, what we miss. None of that's there anymore just empty shells being molded into something else. my mind keeps reminding me we are constantly changing, evolving, but my heart keeps hoping that there is a little spark of what use to be still left behind & maybe if i wait around long enough it will find it's way back up. maybe it's in there fighting to get its way out. maybe it's just covered with junk like feelings, pride, hurt, maybe. itsn't it funny how that maybe changes everything. it makes everything stop. maybe she's still there, maybe my heart says.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

what if.

0 comments
i wish things were easier. i wish i could see the big picture & i wish i knew i was making the right choices ahead of time. it's like something is right in front of your face & you know what the best choice is & you know that choosing it will most likely be for the best in the end, but you don't do it. you don't make the rational choice. you make the choice that you know will most likely break your heart. you don't all the way know or obviously you wouldn't make the choice. does that make the choice you made the wrong one? & that leads me to my problem. why do we go for the one thing that hurts us. the one thing that rips you apart. why do we run when your head is telling you you are making a horrible choice. i think you run because your heart hurts. you run because of what if? what if you don't run, what if you stay? it's like you loose either way. you're hurting all the way around. in the end it's the ultimate battle. the battle between your head & your heart.


what if you never choose a side. What if you run straight ahead & you leave everything behind. What if...

Today's Love: The Maxi Dress

0 comments

Dear Blog..

0 comments
so before i even start i would like to say Dear Blog, i miss you. Lots. & im sorry for leaving you for other things & maybe its time i start blogging & writing instead of missing you. i promise to write with my soul. write about anything. to not always write amazing stuff, but it will be true & from the heart. always.
 
Designed by PANKAJ C. Thanks to BloggerBits